Slutty Angel
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Name: Lady Arcorna
Age: Ooold ;-)
Hair: Black, curly, lots
Likes: Ice cream, alcohol and cigarettes
Dislikes: Homophobia, racism, war
Pets: An old, bitter cat ...
Hobbies: Sleeping, writing, webdesign, reading, watching movies, acting ...
Favorite Classes: English, Arts, Biology and Social Science ... foget about the rest
Quote of the Day: This is what I said when I was on one of my infamous strikes, using a fake Scottish accent: "YOU MAY TAKE MY LIFE, BUT YOU WILL NEVER TAKE MY FREEDOM!!!"

Email: Arcorna@aol.com
AIM: VillesLoverGirl

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Friday, August 30, 2002

Testing ... why won't this work ...?

Simone from URL @ 8/30/2002 12:02:00 AM

Thursday, August 29, 2002

I'm sorta nervous today. I'll call my dad tomorrow. You know that feeling in your tummy when you have a crush on someone? It feels like this, kind of.
Not that I have a crush on my dad or anything, but I'm nervous. I wanna bite the table!!! (German expression ^^;;)
My hands are all cold, but not sweaty.
I feel the sudden need to bite my long, perfect nails which I have tamed and taken care of for four months. I ave a close relationship to them. I won't bite them. No, no, no.
My brother let me drive his car today and I almost drove into another car so no more driving for me. I just thought I'd say that. Well, when I'm nervous I babble, so bear with me.

I should wash my hair, think of what to wear and stuff. I don't wanna look like a slut when I talk to my dad. ::jumps up and down on ruined compy chair::

Can someone please hold my hand??? No. Joke. I need to do this on my own. I'll need cigarettes though. I'm afraid that I will cry. I don't wanna cry. I don't wanna.

He doesn't deserve my tears, I think. I have to be strong. My cousin's husband said something that I will hold on to for the rest of my life. He looked at my Che Guevarra shirt and said: "Hon, do you think HE ever gave up? No, he was a fighter and you should fight, too."

Depressions paralyze you to the point where you can't get up anymore, physically and mentally.

I like to compare that to the sea. Have you ever been on the beach at a windy day? Have your ever felt how cruel the waves can be? How they tear you away from the beach?

That is what life is like. If you let go of yourself, if you don't fight, life will kill you. If you fight you will realize how great life can be.

Many people helped me with this. My cousin for example. I was with her when she lost her baby. I was 9 or ten and it hurt, hurt, hurt to see her like this.
But she managed to live on. She doesn't give up. And that is what I love about her so, so, so much.

My mom. She has me and my brother. She has to work so hard for us so we can keep the house and all. She is the best mother I know. I can talk to her about anything and she is so ... wise. She can give great advice. It isn't necessarily what you WANT to hear, but she's right. Always.

Tommy. He changed my life as much as my father did. I loved him and as far as I know he loved me, too to a certain degree. He was/is a very sad boy. He did drugs and tried to kill himself more than once. I wanted to help him, keep him alive, but I couldn't. I hated myself for this for a very long time. Simon, one of the best men on this planet helped me realize that it was NOT my fault. Okay, so Tommy WAS in the nutcase. But that is NOT fault. He had the choice to lead a normal life and he didn't and it was not my fault. And not my responsibility. I blamed myself for not telling anyone. His parents, his sis. Anyone. But now I know, "hey, you were just 14 back then. You were not supposed to handle this. It made you miserable. It made you suicidal. It's not your fault."
I'm proud to say: Dear Tommy, I got out of this, because I WANT to. Stay in the cellar. I wanna see the attic.


My brother. My dear dear dear brother. He's one of those persons in my life who I just love. Pure love. My brother and I love each other more than other siblings, I think.
He's taking the role of my dad. I don't want him to do this. He should enjoy his own life, but on the other hand it would feel weird if he didn't do it. ^^;;


My granny. I saw her when she was dead. In the hospital. I ran out of the room. I couldn't take this. I mean, I talked about her behind her back in a mean way because she gave my mom away when she was little and all, but I ... in that moment it was so ... I can't talk about that.

At the funeral my mom cried. I had never seen her cry before. The priest hugged her. My brother cried, too. I didn't. I kinda hate myself for that one. That I couldn't cry. I wanted to be strong for my family and now I can say again. You were just 12 back then. That is your way to protect yourself. It wasn't your fault.

Or when I was around 6, my mom and my bro and I went for a walk and we saw a dead cat. I laughed. I was so shocked and so I laughed. I expressed my emotions in the opposite way I should have done.

I forgive myself for this, too. It wasn't my fault.

I forgive my self for being mean to my other granny. She knows that I love her so much and that I never wanted to hurt her.

I forgive myself for hurting Kristina. I forgive myself for hurting Zoe. For hurting everyone with my suicidal talk.

I forgive myself for hurting myself.

I didn't know why I did. It wasn't my fault.

I forgive God. I know I talked about You. I tried to hate you, but I couldn't. I forgive myself for trying.

I forgive myself for trying to kill myself, for talking about it, for hurting the ones I love.

I forgive myself now and in eternity.

I love myself. I'm not ugly. I like my skin, my eyes, my hair, my nails and my lips and also my lashes.

I love my talents, my sarcasm, how I can make other people laugh.

I really love myself. I can forgive. I love. I live. I hope.

Simone from URL @ 8/29/2002 11:53:00 PM

Wednesday, August 28, 2002

Today I'll do something really important to me. I'll let the world know why I keep hurting myself. The real reason. Not anything I made up. The truth.

So listen to the craziness, to the happiness and everything else inside me. I wanna get it out and I don't give damm if you don't understand.

It's all about my dad in one or the other way.He left our family when I was six or seven - for another woman. I never cried about it. I locked it up inside me and tried to forget, but I can't forget. Never. I hardly get to see my dad and if I do he's like a stranger to me. I don't know him and he doesn't know me.

But God, I love him. I'm more like him than my brother. I got my thick, black, curly hair from him. My passion, my laziness.

And yet he can't understand. I'm not a working class person like him. I strive for better things in this life. So I can support my mom, pay what she owes the bank so she doesn't have to work that hard anymore. But they won't see that.

I push my family, my friends and also people like Kristina and Zoe away, because I don't want them to get too involved in my life. I don't want sympathy from them. I don't want sympathy at all. It's the wrong expression. I want my dad's love. That is why I keep hurting myself. That is why I won't open up to people, that is why I am a Goth. That is why I became the way I am.

But I won't let this hurt me anymore. I'll talk this out with him once and for all. He won't rule over my life any longer. The shadows of the past mustnt hurt me till my heart turns to stone.

I still feel so much love. Too much love. For my dad, my family and friends -IRL and online- and I don't wanna hurt anyone. I want to spread happiness, but my cousin, my beloved cousin helped me realize that I can only do that when I am happy.
Her husband and her are giving me so much love. My whole family gives me love, but those two are precious to me. My cousin's husband may not be perfectly intelligent, but he's giving me love and a hug when I need it. My dad never hugs me and I'm so happy to have found someone who can love me like that.

I will never stop loving this crazy, insane, violent, wild world. Every sunrise is beautiful, every song precious and every smile more worth than jewels.

I realized why I hurt myself. And now I know how to stop myself.

I need to forgive my father, I need to forgive the world, but most of all I need to forgive myself and I will eventually. My scars are fading and my skin is pale and perfect again.

I realized what I wanna do with my life. I wanna be an interpreter and work for the United Nations. This way I can also take part in politics a bit and can influence Europe's life a bit (^^;;).
I wanna be able to create peace.

I don't know if I will ever get married or anything, but all those wonderful people who supported me over the years - thank you.

Mama, Stefan, the rest of my family, Annemarie, Simon, Kathrin, Marco, my dear Michi, Jelena, my angel (XP), Aleks (I hope you'll get out of your father's reach soon) and Arzou, I forgive you; Sonja, I won't forgive you. Ines, my sister.

Kristina, Zoe, Maddie, Rachel, Kim, Alewin, Bunny, Courtney, Emma, my dear dear dear nameless, Sara (I SEE you XP), Frodi (I LOVE creating couples ^^;;) and of course and probably most of all

I love God. I thank Him for not giving up on me. For letting me stay and for giving me my beloved guardian angel who keeps watching over me and who holds me when I fall.
God, thank You for all my talents and for all the love you gave Me and for giving me people who love me so much.

Thank you in eternity.

Amen.

And Dad, maybe, somehow, someway our two hearts will be one ... Oh Dad ...

Love,

Simone



Simone from URL @ 8/28/2002 11:34:00 PM

Tuesday, August 27, 2002

"Above all things I believe in love! Love is like oxygen, love is a many-splendored thing, love lifts us up where we belong, all you need is love!"

Very true, in my opinion.

If people would just love each other the world would be a better place. Hippies wouldn't hurt each other. My cousin -who happens to be older than my mom XP- was a hippie, always hanging around in France with her hippie pot bus and stuff.
I don't know what to say really, but war, rejection, fussing and pain and depressions shouldn't be part of our world and so I started my personal campaign against those.

I'm walking on a path which is half made of Heaven, half made of Hell. Art is helping me a lot. I never thought writing and painting could change my life in such a way, but they did.

I'm running against the stream of depressions and I already see that they have to lose. They can't win against me. I found a new power inside me. I never knew that I posessed such a thing, but I do and I'll use it in the right ways. No one and nothing will ever harm me again and yet ... in a way I feel like the French artist-genius Henri Toulouse.

He was ugly and so he thought no one could love him. Well, a woman fell for him, but after all those years of rejection and pin he could just show her sarcasm and ... depressions. That one thought he didn't love her and she couldn't deal with his attitude either and so she left him and got married to another man.

Henri started to drink even more than before and soon he started to have paranoia and then he died.

I don't drink and I don't suffer from paranoia, but that story ... with the woman. That is true for me, too and by God, Z., I wish I had told you sooner.

Simone from URL @ 8/27/2002 09:54:00 PM



Weee...


[lily + snape]



Ummm... okay?





Do you cluck or do you roar?

this quiz was made by alanna


I'm brave!!!



People want to be like me???

[harry + ron]



DAMMIT! I'm not a guy! lol


Which Grunge Band Are You?


I see myself as Kurt Cobain's heir so ... ::snaps out of it::Okay, okay, maybe not.


Which PPG are you?


I'm cute!!!


:: how jedi are you? ::


Yes, still fuck you up, I can!

You're AIM!
You're AIM, probably the most popular instant messenger out there. The bad thing is that you're run by a bunch of corporate assholes, but what isn't nowadays?


Meep?





How random are you?

this quiz was made by alanna


YAY! I'm random!



Take The Ewan McGregor Test!


"Above all things I believe in love! Love is like oxygen, love is a many-splendored thing, love lifts us up where we belong, all you need is love!"

Simone from URL @ 8/27/2002 09:25:00 PM

Here are some quiz results ... teehee





Which flock do you follow?

this quiz was made by alanna


Simone from URL @ 8/27/2002 08:30:00 PM

Saturday, August 24, 2002

I'm bored today. I'll have to go to my aunt's later and celebrate her birthday. Sooo, see you later, I guess.

Simone from URL @ 8/24/2002 03:33:00 PM

Friday, August 23, 2002

I broke a nail today. Another one of my preciousss babies had to die. That's so ... ::cries:: Ahem ::snaps out of it:: Oh well, gotta go and drive around with my bro. I'll be back later!

Simone from URL @ 8/23/2002 07:57:00 PM

I'm somewhat depressed. Which isn't unusual nowadays. I hate depressions. One time they get you they'll last for a life time. That's the truth and anyone who says it's just adolescence is simply stupid.
Adults get that, too and they can't deal with it either. How can you deal with a dark wave of emotions that is all around you? That won't let you breathe, that won't let you move?
How can you escape something like this? How can anyone dare say it's adolescence??? I grew out of that. In a world like this one you have to grow up soon and so I did. I left my fucked up childhood and time as a teeny behind and tried to live an adult's life. I suck at that because I can't deal with emotions. They give me nightmares and I wake up, panting and afraid. I can't live a life like this; torn. I don't know where I belong to. I just know that a preppy life will never make me happy. It's that darker, artistic side inside me that makes me hurt myself, but it's also that side that keeps me alive. It makes me go on and on, no matter what and I start to ... to feel stuff again. I start to realize what I want from life, who I am. But I'm afraid of this. That other person inside me who begs me to take off the masc of sarcasm and bitter attitude to let my real, sparkling me out.
This new me may be fragile, but it can overcome years of pain, being rejected and fear. It's strong enough to keep me going. Maybe I'll regret my decisions later, but no matter what: I will never give up. That's a promise I had to make. Every sunrise, every full moon, every little thing in this world of liars - I love it.
I love this stupid world more than anything. I love all the stupid, little people who don't ever look over the rim of their soup plate.
I can't hate and that's my worst problem. I can't hate anyone, but myself, but I like to take out my selfhate on other people.
May they forgive me.

Simone from URL @ 8/23/2002 02:40:00 PM

Thursday, August 22, 2002

Oh, and Leah is one of my bestest webfriends, too! She gets that special note so she won't feel sad! YAY!

Oh and Geek and me have to make a sad announcement. I lost her baby today. I was pregnant with it and ummm nevermind. lol

::sings:: This could be love because I had the time of my liiiiiiiiiiife
I love my Dirty Dancing soundtrack!
It's so cool! My finger is swollen. It's twice its usual size now and I'm still mad at Mr. Frodo. Why? Well, I won't tell. That's my lil secret. Teehee. ::sniff:: I don't feel good at all. I don't wanna be mad at anyone, but lately this ... fury got a hold of me and I can't spread the love anymore and usually it was the love that made me go on and on and on.
I'm so sad and confused and pissed. I even tried to fight with Geekie today, but that is nearly impossible and so it didn't work, thanks God. I don't wanna be like that. Oh well.

Simone from URL @ 8/22/2002 11:26:00 PM

Geek: (lol! I first on the list! I happy!)

That's what Geek said after she discovered my webfriends list! Cute! LOL

Simone from URL @ 8/22/2002 11:07:00 PM

Well, I'm back. I'm still talking to Geek and I still haven't smoked. She has this really big font on and she just used that sad smiley from AIM and it's sooo sad to see it that big.
We have full moon today. It was orange before. Really orange. That's sorta cool. I like the moon. Did you know that German is the only language where the moon is considered to be male? Italian for example: la luna. The "la" indicates that it's a female thing.
But you didn't want to know that, I s'pose. I'll go and smoke now, I think.

Sayonara!

Simone from URL @ 8/22/2002 10:49:00 PM

Hmmm ... I'm pissed because that thing here doesn't work... grrrr...

Simone from URL @ 8/22/2002 10:13:00 PM

My first post. Wooo. I'm happy. Well, not really happy, like friggin' happy, but happy. It gives me something to do. Today I painted the house. All by myself. And fucked up my precious geek-computer-typing hands. And my hair is white now. Just thought someone wanted to know. Heehee. Ummm, yes.
I'm sorta hungry. I was at Mc Donald's before, but their food is wicked. After a while you get more hungry then before. Just in case anyone wanted to know.
Right now I'm talking to Geek and Sara. And Nameless's aunt. I'm in need for nicotine though and so I'll go and smoke soon. My mom and my bro are still up. ::using her psychic abilities:: You're tiiired, sooo tiiired.
It didn't work. DAMMIT!
Oh well,

Namarie!

Lady Arcorna, *~ Princess of the Silver Woods

Simone from URL @ 8/22/2002 10:01:00 PM